Mothering: A Dichotomy and Other Sentiments

In a sea of gratitude and familial joy traditionally expressed in tandem with Mother’s Day, today I speak from the heart of a fiercely-independent, spirited woman whom, yes, also happens to be a grateful mother.

Perhaps it was Chopin’s before-her-time candor about the dichotomy of motherhood that spoke to teenage me. That she’d give her life for her children but never her full inner self. Her conviction that “…whatever came, she had resolved never again to belong to another than herself” struck a chord not only before I became a mother but also in recent years as a mother on the back half of my boys’ minorhood.

I lost myself somewhere in the middle.

In that messy middle, I became single, reclaimed my career, and started the journey back to myself.

Now I occupy that eerie space in motherhood. You know, the one where you’ve survived the fall and you’re fully in it but you can see a massively different season on the horizon – your kids are barreling towards legal adulthood at warp speed. Then what?

I will miss the days that donning my daily tinted spf is max makeup because the morning school rush starts so damn early. Sure, I’ll have time to eat a leisurely breakfast, take all of my supplements that support beauty from within, carve out silence for contemplation, and walk the dogs without haste. But I will miss their youth and the chaos.

Being an all-in, fully entrenched mother, to which I have joyfully committed, requires presence. Awakeness. Also, patience. Self-sacrifice to a degree of your choosing. Brutal knowingness of the flash that is childhood.

So, on a holiday that wants us to choose how we’d like to be pampered, which flowers make us smile, and how we’d like to escape, I encourage you to rebel: bask in the tsunami that is kids and their emotions and needs, while finding your own way to live a full internal life.

In short, how can you live both sides of the coin today? Shall we challenge the norm today?

Today, my boys brought me breakfast in bed, which you can imagine is both dangerous and adorable hosted by two rough-and-tumble pre-teens. My Mother’s Day wish is not to be pampered or escape more but to dive in even deeper, ask them probing questions, play 1v1 driveway basketball – and, dream, privately. I wish the same for you: full immersion, plus full creative freedom, even momentarily.

Because I speak as a mother who is also a leader in business, I advocate for this duality, knowing the cost of success. I encourage you to nourish the creative spark. In my opinion, it’s tandem to the mothering and leading assignment.

When’s the last time you gave yourself time to write, paint, or dance? How do you set your own spirit free? What expression can you fully own from the inside?

It doesn’t have to be grand. Maybe take a 10-minute lavendar epsom soak at the end of the day, close your eyes, and do a visualization. Or, grab some sidewalk chalk and follow your instincts. Craft a smoothie using slightly sweet pineapple-y fiber powder as a base and add produce that calls to you.

Whatever the thing, just do it.

Brunch is traditional. Pampering is lovely. I respect your choices. I also fervently challenge you to oppose the norm and get a little feral with your kids and stoke your own creative flame. Someday, very soon, you’ll have a lot more solo time. You’ll create differently, and you will smile back at these immersive times.

In all honestly, though, I grew up with a completely different kind of mother.

She worked in Manhattan and had standards to uphold, which probably caused her rosascea (lower your stress levels!). This creative rhetoric, nevermind surrendering, weren’t in her nature. She lived only one side of the coin and I don’t fault her for it one bit, we weren’t having these conversations back then. Ironically, she’s eased up considerably over time but trust that she’s putting a quick lip on and going to a very traditional brunch today (we are who we choose to be).

That’s all to say, do you today but remember Chopin’s quote. Give your children your life but give no one your full inner self. Build a robust life in there and, in due time, you’ll have the freedom to fully express yourself.

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